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I have been studying squirrels for the past few years now – not because I enjoy them, but in an attempt to figure out how to beat them at their game, and I am exhausted.
The cute but miserable 1-pound squatters have been in the yards of every home I’ve ever owned.
They eat all the corn I put out for the deer; in fact, why don’t the corn kernel companies just print “Deer & Squirrel Feed” on the bags instead?
The birds look at me like I should be doing something when the little bushy-tailed beasts steal their bird seed – but I can’t, I’ve tried.
They dig holes in the dirt of all my potted plants, apparently searching for nuts they’ve misplaced, and chew on everything from the plastic tires on my grill to my swing-set’s armrest. As if my car didn’t have enough issues without squirrels doing a number on the wiring.
I am convinced the occasional missing sock from the dryer is a squirrel’s fault. I think they crawl up the dryer vent and yank them out one by one. All this time I’ve been blaming my husband for losing his socks, but now I know.
It was suggested that I use cayenne pepper on the bird feeders and corn piles to deter the almost petable pests. I sprinkled so much of the orange spice in and around my yard that it looked like a baseball field on Google maps. “Louie Von Menace” – because we name them – just looked at me, licking his red lips as if to say, “Can you toss me a lime wedge while you’re at it?”
The squirrels are caught on my deer cam far more than the deer – and I live in a deer preserve, for cryin’ out loud. Where do they all come from?
One day, I heard my wind chime making quite the noise. I looked out my kitchen window only to see “Willy Waddle Bottom” pulling my chime across the yard like he was dragging a dead body.
People swear that placing a fake owl in the yard scares off the nut-burying, corn-stealing thieves, so I tried the owl thing recently.
Two days after my fake owl went missing, I noticed it sitting in a squirrel’s nest 30 feet up a tree. He or she probably put it in their nest to scare off rival squirrels, but the creature just appeared to be mocking me as I stood below with both hands firmly on my hips.
Just last week, I heard a noise on my deck, so I went to the screen door to check it out because I like to be aware of my surroundings. I didn’t see anything, so I stood there and waited a few more minutes before hearing the noise three more times.
I then realized the sound was emanating from the squirrel’s lower region, for Pete’s sake. The thing was ripping a series of farts that sounded like rapid bubble-wrap firing. I Googled it and learned that squirrels fart more than humans and canines. I didn’t know whether I should laugh or change his diet.
And to think, all these years I’ve been blaming my grandfather for what the squirrels have been doing.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.