Sometimes co-gardening can have unexpected results
I woke up this morning just knowing today was gonna be difficult even though my feet hadn't yet hit my wooden floor.
I wasn't awake 10 minutes before the phone rang with my Uncle Vinny on the other end stating he was borde and wanted to hang out with me while I garden.
My aunt was outta town visiting her sister and that walking insurance nightmare has always been company co-dependant.
I figured I'd lose either my sanity or my life around that Schleprock, but I was just too tired for the fight, so I gave in and he came over.
I was planting Scotch Bonnet pepper plants when he jumped in to help. He grabbed a plant demanding he be the one to plant them because that's man's work. They were not seedlings but rather, plants in full pepper bloom.
I didn't think much about it until he helped me get a tiny flying bug outta my eye. His hot pepper-laden sausage-like fingers caused my eyes to instantly swell and become red and irritated while my screeching voice followed suit. My eyes felt as though they were on fire from the peppers.
I yelled at my uncle to just go and pull some weeds thinking anybody can do that mindless job. An hour later I checked on him because the dope apparently still needs a babysitter. What he thought were weeds were actually my wild ginseng plants which I had a generous buyer for.
By this point I was completely frustrated so I decided to leave my uncle and go out and grab a bite to eat at Wendy's.
In my absence my Uncle Vinny found my Swiffer in the garage. He went over to the part of my property where I have a beautiful rolling hill with lush green grass and proceeded to use the Swiffer as a mashing device on the grass.
When I returned from lunch there were TV news crews all over my yard asking me questions.
My uncle came running up to me and told me to keep his crop circles a secret because it was going to make us rich. Apparently he had mashed down grass in a particular design on the hill with the Swiffer that resembled a crop circle. He then called the news channels while I was at lunch and told them he woke up to find the design with no explanation other than it just appeared in the yard overnight.
In just one afternoon of gardening my uncle single-handedly nearly cost me my eyesight, destroyed my most valuable money making plants, and made crop circles in my yard that garnered headline news. The intro to the 5'oclock news stated: Aliens visit local home, leaving their mark.
My husband rushed home because he saw our yard on the news where he works.
I whispered in my husband's ear to gather bail money because when I get my hands on my uncle, I'm going to make headline news myself.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Ranger. Her humor column is published every other week. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com or leave a message at 828-837-5122.