Editor’s note: The writer used “fanny debris” to comically describe what our dog friends leave behind on walks. Terms that didn’t make the cut include “booty biscuit,” “canine caca” and “sphincter art.”
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I got to thinking last week about artificial intelligence while watching my Uncle Vinny’s robot vacuum cleaner run over a pile of dog poo in his kitchen. As I watched the fanny debris being flung all over his walls, I started questioning whether or not we truly benefit from such technology.
Self-driving vehicles give the illusion of being able to drive someone around with little effort on the human’s part. However, the auto drive program installed in the 2,000-pound hunks of metal makes errors just like we do, so why spend all the extra money for the technology when we’re more than capable of wrecking the car ourselves? It’s not like I can crawl in the backseat and take a quick nap while my vehicle safely takes me to Dollywood.
The last time I asked my phone’s voice assistant how to make scrambled eggs, it repeated back to me, “OK, where to buy a keg.” I don’t even drink, and if “she” was really that smart she would have known that.
I used my voice to auto text a potential employer that I would be happy to come into the office for an interview. Thank God I reviewed the text before sending so I could make any necessary changes. The stupid artificial intelligence note-taker typed these words as I spoke: “I look snappy on Tinder so have your office please review.”
These machines and their technology are created or designed by humans. It appears possible that some of those machines may have been programmed by my dopey uncle. He had a job once working for a toy company, but was later fired after programming dolls to say bad things.
The only artificial intelligence that I like, personally, are the ground bots that fight one another to the death in a ring. It would be awesome to unleash Siri and Alexa on one another in a sort of “spat fight.” That would be a real battle of the wits right there.
Facial recognition is another form of artificial intelligence, but it’s fraught with potential errors such as confusing one’s face with another, which isn’t really a problem if the person’s better looking than you are unless, of course, they’re wanted for murder and cops start asking you for an alibi.
Auto correct is a nightmare, as it always misspells my words, then re-changes them behind my back once I’ve made corrections. I believe Webster would roll over in his grave if he knew what this program was doing to his dictionary.
Technology can be a nightmare or helpful, depending on where it’s applied. I’d be thoroughly happy if someone built a robot that could scrub my toilet, or at least pull the seat down when it noticed the darn thing was up. It would be great if it could rub my feet or take out the trash for me.
However, it is possible that with all the screw-ups technology has to offer, that a robot programmed to take your trash out may actually need to be reminded numerous times before it actually gets the task done.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.