So my Uncle Vinny tells me he wants to throw his ball cap in the ring for a commissioner’s seat. Since he missed the filing date because he was in court again, he’s hoping the write-ins will help get him elected.
He told me he’ll run as an independent with a platform that consists of several community minded initiatives. He has a vision that will enhance the daily lives of his constituents while remaining fair to those who would oppose him.
I’m excusing myself from all questions regarding my Uncle Vinny after he butchered the annual family Christmas letter last year; I’m still mad about that. If he does win his sought after seat, just don’t allow him to use a grill or deep fryer at any community events.
Here are his notes for a potential debate. I found his written speech on the floorboard of his pickup truck.
My speech
I will not be highlighting the deficits or past missteps of my opponents, but rather will simply inform the public of my own vision to make my community better and serve the citizens within.
I will fight for new equipment to be placed on all fire department trucks within the county, such as compartment beer coolers and refrigerators. Nothing tastes better than an ice-cold brewski after working hard in the heat.
I believe and will mandate that all adult male dogs wear a fanny curtain in public places to cover their private parts. It’s a bit unsettling to see them so freely and should be no different than the human counterpart who wears pants.
I will seek to establish the squirrel as the county’s freely roaming mascot. The squirrel is well known in these parts and would enhance parades and other festivities. The squirrel brings a sense of playfulness while exhibiting the desire to get what one wants, no matter the obstacles.
I will establish a leash law, not for canine but for small children. As a child, I wandered away from my mother and her tormented worrying is behind my decision to spare other parents such misery. It would also help keep chaos down at events and in grocery store aisles.
I will push for more options that allow citizens to be excused from jury duty, such as having nothing appropriate to wear in court or being unable to go more than two hours without cellphone usage.
I will mandate that all local polling locations provide snacks and entertainment during elections.
I will mandate a portion of all monies brought into the county by visitors, go toward a theme park fit with a roller-coaster that travels in and out of all county buildings via a clear tunnel system. This will allow folks to see our government at work up close and without needing an appointment for a tour.
I will bring folks together by having a yearly block party that invites every single person in the county to the gathering. No one will be left out, kinda like the days of Woodstock.
I will harvest all kudzu in the county for the purposes of relocating the evasive vine to an allocated plot of land and create a topiary garden theme park. The park will allow the vine to grow freely without pesticides into its different animal shapes like elephants and such.
Finally, I will mandate fire poles be installed in all new public buildings as a means of fast evacuation during fires and incidents needing a quick exit.
Thanks for your consideration and remember to “Vote Vinny.”
Uncle Vinny says if he doesn’t make it in as a commissioner he’ll run for president – good Lord.
Anngee Quinones-Belian of Ranger is a staff correspondent for the Cherokee Scout. Her humor column runs every other week. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.