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Between Halloween night and daylight savings time, I am at my wits end. Must life be fraught with so many irritations?
Halloween evening should have been a fun and festive time. My husband and I dressed up like Homer and Marge Simpson. My Uncle Vinny bought lots of candy to pass out at our house so we didn’t need to purchase any. He came over dressed as a law-abiding citizen, of all things.
As evening fell, kids began showing up for their fair share of the evening’s treats. I thought it odd that with so many other homes in the neighborhood that the children repeatedly came back to our humble abode. I thought perhaps they just really liked our costumes.
It wasn’t until later that night that we realized why kids kept returning to our address. They were all getting drunk.
Apparently, my uncle bought several cases of those little booze-filled chocolate bottles to give out. No one would have known where they were coming from, except the dope put a small sticker on each piece of candy that read: “Happy Halloween from all of us at (with our address).” It led the cops and a bunch of angry parents right to our doorstep.
Kids from 3-years-old to high-schoolers were stumbling around the neighborhood like a bunch of little drunks.
Since it happened at out house, we were all arrested and given court dates. I was so mad. If I’m gonna go to jail, it’s gonna be for giving my uncle a good beat-down, not for Halloween candy.
For the life of me, I can’t figure out what my aunt ever saw in him. This is what happens when you ignore red flags while you’re dating someone.
As if Halloween wasn’t horrid enough, then came along daylight savings time. My uncle happened to be at our house again since he and my aunt live right around the corner. Before they left after Sunday dinner, he decided to do me a favor and change all of our clocks for daylight savings time. The dope got confused and skipped ahead an hour instead of setting them back.
I was unaware he changed the clocks. When evening rolled around, I set the clocks back an hour thinking I would gain an hour of blissful eye closure. As a result of his mistake, the clocks remained the same time as before daylight savings. When Monday morning rolled around, I got to work an hour early. I lost the only extra hour of sleep I would have for the entire exhaustive year.
Somehow, I’ve got to find a loophole in the law that states it’s illegal to taxidermy a human being.
Next year, we’re staying inside on Halloween night with no company. There’s enough scary things to do inside by ourselves.
Perhaps we’ll sit by the fire and read each other the side effects of our medications. Maybe we’ll watch creepy home movies of Uncle Vinny as a child or look at all the spiders and bugs the glue tray caught by our front door.
Either way, next year’s Halloween won’t involve cops showing up at my door demanding I place my hands behind my back.
Anngee Quinones-Belian of Murphy is a staff correspondent for the Cherokee Scout. Her humor column runs every other week. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.