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The other day I was visiting my aunt, the one who married my Uncle Vinny. While there, she poured a cold beverage for me. I couldn’t help but notice it looked like it was in the same glass from a restaurant we were at last week.
I asked her where she got the glass from and she said, “Remember that restaurant we were at last week?” When I asked how much she paid for it, she looked at me like a deer in the headlights.
Just about every person has a stolen item or two of some sort in their home, vehicle or on their person.
The most common items stolen from workplaces are pens, highlighters and sticky note pads. Not for nothin’, those small thefts constitute misdemeanor crimes, and if an employer really wanted to press charges, it could result in jail time. Five stolen pens equals five separate theft charges unless you can provide a receipt. It’s also not likely to be your first offense, and the courts will look at that when it comes to sentencing.
Uncle Vinny stole a coffee maker and mattress from a hotel room once. Before he was handed a court date, he told the cop it was because it was the most comfortable bed he’s ever slept on. He also said his coffee maker was broken, and he just hadn’t had the time to get by Walmart and buy another one.
He claimed it was all a spur-of-the-moment act, but the prosecutor pointed out that the hotel’s jumpsuit my uncle found in the hotel laundry room and put on showed premeditation. Apparently, he thought if he looked like the maintenance man, nobody would notice the items just walking out of the facility. What a dope; we just can’t seem to cut off that branch of our family’s tree.
Even a doctor’s office can be a tempting place to commit theft. I think my friend makes doctor appointments just so she can swipe medical supplies. She has quite an industrial-size first-aid kit at her house that’s stocked with just such stolen items, including a blood pressure cuff.
My husband took a doctor’s office gown with him when he left his last office visit. He claimed he just forgot he was still wearing it when he put his regular clothes back on. However, he sure seems to wear it a lot while working on messy items in his man-shed. I think he knew it would make a great smock.
At least he keeps his under-britches on when he wears it around – unlike at the doctor’s office. Thank God, too, because he drops a lot of nuts and bolts on the ground, and I have a clear line of sight to his work area.
Most folks don’t think about some thefts because the items appear insignificant. I once took a small item from a store’s checkout counter thinking it was a free item. That didn’t keep store security officers from piling on me like I had just fumbled the football during the last play of the game.
If you’ve ever eaten a grape at Ingles or Walmart and decided not to purchase the bag, you’ve committed misdemeanor theft. I mean unless, of course, there was a sign up that read, “Free Grape Samples.”
Anngee Quinones-Belian of Murphy is a staff correspondent for the Cherokee Scout. Her humor column runs every other week. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.