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So I’m washing my hands the other day because I had finished off a bag of cheese puffs and my fingers were orange with the cheesy dust. I’m minding my own business when I heard a tink sound. I was home alone, so the unusual sound had me reaching for my shotgun when I noticed my left
ring finger was missing its gold band. Terror hit me as I realized 20 years of marriage just went down the drain.
I panicked because I had no idea where the pipe ended and because no matter how hard I’d try to
conceal that finger, my husband would eventually find out.
One plumber and $520 later, my circle of love was safely back on my finger. The plumber said there was so much hair in the drain that it acted as a nest to gently cradle my ring, like a baby bird.
That got me thinking about all the stuff that people drop or toss into plumbing outlets. My ring drop was an accident, but my neighbor’s kid purposely crams rolls of toilet paper down the toilet tube?
Actually, I tossed half a pork chop down the pipe as a kid once so I didn’t have to finish my dinner. The bacteria below probably enjoyed the meal, but it caused plumbing issues that got me all kinds of grounded.
Folks have flushed paper towels, rags and even socks. Who does that? A plumber once told me he fetched a wig outta the tunnel below. I can’t help but wonder where the body ended up.
Cell phones, drugs and used diapers have all been part of the watery grave at the cost of about $120 an hour and a wet vac for the cleanup.
I believe some plumbing issues are a result of these turbo toilets in public establishments. They flush with such ferociousness that it’s not entirely impossible for a small pet to be sucked in if they’re in the stall with their owner at the time.
A friend of mine had a prosthetic hand pulled off and sucked in due to the force. Thank goodness it landed in the commode hand up instead of hand down. We were able to grab the fingers and pull it back out. Sometimes you don’t really get a warning before they automatically “turbo flush.”
Flushing inappropriate items may create an instant waterfall no one wants to clean up. However, the reward may be worth the risk, such as needing to flush certain court documents or evidence of some misdoing, as my Uncle Vinny occasionally does.
People have flushed items that were specifically forbidden by posted signs just above the toilet; usually in the ladies room.
I would hate to be a plumber as I can’t imagine half the stuff they see. Although, at about $120 per hour and with a couple bottles of Pepto at the ready, the job may be worth it.
Inappropriate flushing is why we have an overabundance of piranha, alligator and sea monkey issues in some regions.
Plumbers are heroes. My only question is, why is a plumber’s toilet always the last one working?
Anngee Quinones-Belian of Murphy is a staff correspondent for the Cherokee Scout. Her humor column runs every other week. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.