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I went to my doctor for what I thought was gonna be just a routine physical exam. It ended up being a Q&A session with a whole lotta, “Are you kidding me?”
After I received my exam with a few “female extras,” he informed me that my uterus was not in its normal position. Good Lord, what does that even mean, and where could it have possibly gone, I asked with panic in my voice.
I told him that the night before I had dreamed of aliens breaking into my house and removing some of my internal organs. (The dream seemed so real when I woke up.) Could that have been the explanation for his statement, I wondered.
He calmly let me know that it was common for a shift among women of my age, especially after having children.
I then showed him my arm and asked about the unusual spots that have been appearing. He brushed it off as another common occurrence with age and called them age spots.
I prefer to just believe I have leopard somewhere in my family tree. It’s easier to accept, and I know for a fact we have a few “cougars” running around.
At that point, I let it all out and confided in him about other issues I’d been having.
He stated that my thinning hair and lips were also just part of aging. I thanked him kindly to remove the word “just” from his statement, as there was nothing “just” about it.
As for my thinning lips, thank God wax lips exist. I’ve always wanted bigger lips that didn’t involve collagen. I can toss a few of those babies in my bag and put them on for special occasions.
I can no longer bend all the way down to touch my toes like I used to. I would have thought that by having shrunk an inch or so over time, that would have made the task possible but apparently not.
Memory’s been another issue for me. I feel like I’m meeting new people daily even though they swear I’ve known them for years.
Last week, my family said I forgot to pay for a bracelet I left a store with, but I’ll just let them keep on believing that.
My tummy has developed rolls I can’t seem to get rid of, but I’ve figured out that by utilizing them to hold small items for me, it’s kinda like an extra set of hands, so they’re actually helpful.
I realize menopause is the “gift” that keeps on giving, but at least with all the “wind” that’s been circulating around me, I’m a bit cooler.
I’m in the bathroom so much that my husband asked if I wanted a Murphy bed installed. I told him that while he’s at it, to also bring in a hot plate so I can make his meals while I’m in there.
The final straw was the day my hand snagged a burlap sack reaching in for a potato. My doctor said I have very dry skin and prescribed a thick lotion. The small print stated, “For pachyderm use.”
I wrote a check for the visit and left but I also “forgot” to deposit money into that account – oops.
Well, he did say memory issues were normal – so I guess it’s OK.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.