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I must have been out of my head when I decided to go out Christmas shopping for my husband’s gift, instead of going to our annual family meeting in which we all decide who will be in charge of the entire holiday festivities for our family gathering.
While I was buying my husband a cheese, salami and Corn Nuts gift basket – against his doctor’s advice – back home my family members were voting my Uncle Vinny in as this year’s event organizer.
When I found out, I seriously considered packing a bag, going off the grid and never returning, but because I love my husband – and I’d really miss my new doll house – I decided to stay and live through the fallout of another Uncle Vinny masterpiece mess.
For starters, my uncle decided to go with an upside-down Christmas tree hanging from the ceiling this year because he saw it in a magazine once. Throughout the evening, the tree’s ornaments kept falling to the floor. Partygoers who removed their shoes at the front door earlier were randomly screaming out in pain before having to remove shards of thin colored glass from their feet.
His attempt at Christmas dinner fell short as well. The evening’s meal consisted of turkey and all the fixings; however, he chose to use leftovers from Thanksgiving. Apparently he tried saving money and time on the meal, but ended up spending both on sick partygoers 12 hours later having to pay for their food poisoning visits to the walk-in – or,
in their cases, the run-in clinic.
Because my uncle lives in a small space, he stores a lot of items in his small shed with his tools, including wrapping paper. Einstein failed to realize that paper absorbs moisture. After wrapping gifts for partygoers, he placed the packages next to his fireplace – only to have them catch on fire one by one. After the fire department put the flames out, they determined there was gasoline on the paper with the pretty and festive Reindeer frolicking through the North Pole.
His Christmas music wasn’t much better either. After a CD got stuck on “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” my eyes exploded with a realization.
The stuck phrase in the song may not have been a problem, except my conservative and sweet grandma – who is 98 years old and still has pretty decent hearing – was sitting right next to the speaker. It took 10 minutes for him to notice the repetitive line and switch the CD, for cryin’ out loud.
For that period of time, grandma was reminded of an incident she had with a rogue deer a year ago while trying to hand feed the wild creature some corn. The incident wasn’t pretty, but we thought she had gotten over it – apparently not.
Then, to top off the evening’s festivities, Uncle Vinny disappeared returning a short time later donning a “Santa riding a reindeer” inflatable costume. He used helium instead of air so it would resemble flight. He rose to the ceiling, but panicked and grabbed on to the upside-down tree, which was doing its own thing by dropping the ornaments one by one. Everything came crashing to the ground in a typical Uncle Vinny fail.
The Christmas party ended early with him going to the hospital for being concussed after his fall back down to the ground and for helium poisoning through absorption as a result of the gas he filled his costume with.
I made sure to tell Vinny’s hospital doctor that he hasn’t been acting normal for a while now, and I need for him to stay admitted until they can figure out his problem – that should keep the staff busy for a while. I just need a break from that fool.
Hoping your Christmas was happy and uneventful.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.