So the other day, my friend comes to my house upset because she notices some facial hair that she didn’t have before.
I asked if she had a bit of Italian in her bloodline – because I do, and that happened to me once – that and hereditary factors are the gifts that keep on giving in my opinion.
She said no, which left me perplexed, but I still offered to help my friend figure out why she was now sporting a mustache and muttonchop sideburns.
Her husband even thought there was a guy breaking into their home one night, as she snuck out earlier to go buy some cigarettes. As she struggled with the front door lock, he met her with a baseball bat in his hand thinking it was a burglar breaking in.
I knew then that I had to do something to help her get to the bottom of her hairy situation.
I asked if she’d been using her husband’s deodorant or shampoo lately because ya just never know what can happen when you use products geared toward the opposite sex. She stated no, so I continued searching for answers.
I questioned her about possible consumption of poisonous plants, or if she’d eaten anything on her vacation that others around the world consider delicacies, even though it can kill you. She said “no” again.
My friend mentioned that she was prescribed a new drug to try that may help her with her reoccurring bouts of nasal hair growth.
That had to be it. Many times the side effects of medications are far worse than the actual illness or disorder itself. I made her show me the box insert that lists all the possible side effects since I know she, like many folks, never read the darn thing.
Either companies can’t afford the extra piece of paper to continue the side effects on using normal font, or they don’t want you to notice them all.
After reading the newspaper she handed to me, I realized my friend was lucky that some facial hair was all she got.
Other side effects may have included continuous flatulence, excessive knuckle hair growth, a third eyebrow, elongated earlobes, clown-like expansion of lip lines, a disappearing uvula and the growth of a second bellybutton. There were 615 more possible side effects, but I fell asleep.
One double-blind study indicated that growth of a short tail was possible.
For starters, if I’m in a trial for medication, everyone needs to be on the same page with no secrets – somewhere in all that I hear “guinea pig.”
What are they mixing up in these labs anyway for cryin’ out loud? If I’m gonna be someone’s test subject I want more than $100 and a discount on the product that’s gonna alter my appearance or kill me.
Anyway, I told my friend to stop taking it and shave those muttenchops that creeped up on her dainty face.
Come to find out, she’s going through menopause, and one of the symptoms of that fun experience for women is an extra nasal hair or two.
I’d much rather tweezer them out than to have folks pet my head because they spot a tail on me.
Everything has side effects. All I’m saying is to read everything first so ya know what you’re in for.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.