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There have been lots of debates in my lifetime. One such arguing point is that of the real Christmas tree versus the fake one.
This debate is right up there with which came first, the chicken or the egg? I’ve had both types of holiday conifers, and here’s what I’ve discovered.
Real trees are expensive. When you spend the extra money on a living bush, you basically dip into your gift buying and snack money. I’d rather have an extra bag of Cheetos. If I want to see a real tree, I’ll open the front door.
A real tree is like having your blood sugar tested every time you bump into it and it hurts. When it’s prickly thorns fall to the ground, it’s like playing Pick-up Sticks with a million tiny sharp sticks. I don’t have time for these kinds of games.
I know a real tree is impressive, kinda like having the real Louis Vuitton heels or Gucci bag, but is it really worth all the trouble?
Real trees need to be watered regularly, which is a hassle, or they get dehydrated. I can barely remember to keep myself properly hydrated.
After a minute, the real tree will start to look as though it has developed a gnarly case of mange, with its falling branches and big gaping spaces between them. It’s actually kinda scary. Then the festive bush will die and leave behind trillions of tiny dead spikes all over the floor as you drag the conifer across the room, out the front door and over the deck.
My uncle left his dead tree in the yard so long squirrels, rats and possums made a home out of it. When he finally got around to burning the thing, the entire neighborhood smelled like really bad fried chicken for a week.
Fake trees, on the other hand, can be a lot cheaper, allowing for more gift and snack buying.
Imitation trees are tricky, though, as you must first hump it down from above. But if the Grinch can get it up the chimney, you can get it down from the attic.
If it wasn’t stored properly, you’ll have missing limbs to deal with. Attic trees may smell like a combination of death and mold, and Serve Pro doesn’t clean Christmas trees to my knowledge.
Many fake firs look fake, but nowadays anything goes, so even an ugly tree can be considered cool.
Fakes will never die, and my friend’s tree is an example of that as her great, great, great – times two more – great-grandfather passed down his tree, eventually making its way to her. Good lord, some things just need to hit the Dumpster, for cryin’ out loud. I think it’s been in their family since the 16th century, and it looks like every bit of it for Pete’s sake.
A fake tree does not give off any oxygen, so your real tree-possessing neighbors may live longer than you as a result – at least for a couple of months.
Deciding to buy a real or fake tree is a deeply personal decision, so whichever tree you decide to purchase is nobody’s business.
They say real trees are better for the environment and can be recycled (kinda like plastic) when you’re finished with them – at least 10 percent of them.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.