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Tax day may be over, but I have a feeling my problems are about to begin. I’m not sure why, but I just have that sinking feeling.
I thought I’d save some money this year on tax filing by doing the paperwork myself, so I picked up the tax forms and the Internal Revenue Service instruction booklet on how to file. I wasn’t able to do the chore online because my Uncle Vinny looked at something that ended up putting a virus on my computer, so it’s currently in the shop.
Anyway, I sat down with my “Hang in There” coffee mug and began my reading. Good Lord, the least the government could do to offset the boring and confusing material contained within its booklet is to include a few pictures, for cryin’ out loud. Who reads anything without some illustrations or photos?
Uncle Vinny offered to help me, so I agreed to let him because he is better at math than I am. He also told me he usually does his own taxes, so together we began the daunting chore.
Although I made some money last year, I also had a few losses. It’s my understanding that you can deduct losses, so I included all the money I spent on lottery tickets that didn’t win.
My uncle insisted it should be fine because regardless of what the purchase was, I still suffered a loss. I spent $500 on those losing tickets.
Last year, I forgot to lock my car doors after doing some Christmas shopping at Walmart. I stopped by Starbucks for a latte before going home to wrap the presents, but when I returned to my vehicle, one of the doors was open. The 57-inch flat-screen television I just bought was gone, so I deducted that loss from my return as well.
I also included my Alexa device in my tax deductions because my uncle said help is deductible. Since I asked her for help with everything from cleaning and cooking to medical questions, the IRS should be OK with it.
I read somewhere that taxes are voluntary yet enforceable. Somehow, that just doesn’t seem right. A friend said that if we want a civilized society, then we must pay taxes, but I’m willing to live like an animal if it means I can keep more of the money I work hard for.
I’ve heard folks say that taxes and death are the only two things that are for sure in life, I’m just not sure if the first will cause the latter for me. This leads me to wonder if someone has a heart attack while doing their taxes or when they find out how much they owe Uncle Sam, is the government liable?
I don’t enjoy paying taxes anymore than the next taxpayer, but it beats having to adapt to prison life. My neighbor says he doesn’t bother to pay his taxes because he feels the government wastes our money on foolish things. He also sends his jury summons back with a note that reads, “Please refrain from sending me junk mail” – it’s just a matter of time before he gets nailed.
I know someone who claimed multiple personalities as dependents on his taxes two years ago because he said claiming dependents gets you more money back on your return. He ended up getting audited and paying huge penalties and fines for lying to the government. He didn’t spend any time in jail, but he was given a new address until further notice. The location had “Mental Institute” in the name.
As for myself, I hope having my uncle help me doesn’t come back later to bite me in the britches. That dope paid his taxes one year with a check that bounced. Who does that?
Perhaps I should have just sat next to a future accountant in math class as a kid whenever I cheated..
Anngee Quinones-Belian of Murphy is a staff correspondent for the Cherokee Scout. Her humor column runs every other week. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.