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Imagine one person having the job of making you happy. This is like saying your partner is your one-stop-shop for meeting all your needs, and when they don’t meet all your needs because that is an impossible undertaking, you create toxic expectations. Imagine a child in fear who cannot relax until they smell their parents’ breath thus dictating how they will behave that evening.
In 1935, Lois W., the wife of Bill W., one of the co-founders of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.), recognized her need for recovery. In a moment of anger, she threw a shoe at her husband, which led her to seek her own path to healing.
In 1951, Lois W. and Anne B. initiated a fellowship of friends and families of alcoholics. The new organization adopted the name Al-Anon Family Groups.
An enabler, as defined by Webster, enables another’s persistence and self-destructive behavior, such as substance abuse, by providing excuses or making it possible to avoid the consequences of their behavior.
Enablers often think they’re doing the right thing when they try to avoid upsetting their partner. However, the opposite is true – their actions allow the cycle of destructive behavior to progress thus evolving into codependency. Partners who suffer from codependent behavior find no satisfaction or happiness in life outside of doing things for the addict or alcoholic.
A codependent person puts their own needs aside and is hyper-vigilant about meeting the needs of another person – often to the point that their life revolves around that person. This creates a one-sided relationship that is destructive and dysfunctional for both people.
Codependency refers to a psychological paradigm involving an unhealthy relationship that people might share with those closest to them. Codependency is often referred to as “relationship addiction.” It’s an emotional and behavioral condition that interferes with an individual’s ability to develop a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is frustrating and destructive; the destruction not only applies to the spouse of an addict or alcoholic but has a profound effect on the children in the family.
Co-dependent behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who display this type of behavior. Studies have shown each child in the family also develops certain unhealthy characteristics that can be identified by certain traits these behaviors follow this adolescent child into adulthood thus creating an unhealthy dynamic in their adult life and relationships.
Children who grow up with an addict or alcoholic parent suffer from some form of psychological disorder – behaviors such as overeating, gambling, sexual complicity or addiction to name a few.
The destructive dynamics of addiction within one’s own home is generational; it does not stop when the addict or alcoholic stops using, it is carried on through to the next generation. To what extent depends a great deal on other factors.
What is known – codependency refers to a psychological construct involving an unhealthy relationship that might be shared with those closest to them. The lasting effects of the psychological torture and dependency one develops while living in direct contact with an addict or alcoholic change one’s behavior over time leaving permanent scars.
Even though it’s not in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM-5) as its disorder, that does not mean that codependency
is not a psychological disorder. Codependency has a major, negative effect on a person’s life. Sadly the very family that strives to help, heal and love their spouse who suffers from addiction develops even worse dysfunctional characteristics with scars much deeper and longer than addiction itself.
For help finding meetings or recovery support for yourself or a loved one, call 866-504-6974.
Dr. Herb Clark of Murphy is an expert in the field of addiction with 33 years of experience. He served on the N.C. Professional Practice board, adjunct professor for two universities and was a U.S. Marine serving 25 years, through two wars and three conflicts traveling the world, seeing the effects of addiction firsthand worldwide. Send questions or comments to him at hypno321@hotmail.com.