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I went to my neighbor’s high school kid’s graduation recently and what a nightmare that was.
It started out fine, but when they called his name everyone had to wait an extra 22 minutes for him to get out of the bathroom. I’m not a patient person unless I have a bag of Cheetos with me, which I did not. I can sit through anything as long as I have my cheesy pacifier with me.
As if needing to go to the restroom at that very special moment in time tying everybody else up wasn’t bad enough, his last name starts with the letter “Y,” for cryin’ out loud, meaning I had to sit through the whole ceremony before I could leave. That seriously cut into my television time for watching Jeopardy.
If I go to another graduation ceremony it’ll only be because the person’s last name begins with the letter A, B, C or D.
After the event was over, everyone threw their graduation caps in the air. While I was daydreaming about doing a little skeet-shooting with their head attire, I was suddenly hit in my own noggin by a corner from one of the hats that were plummeting to the ground with the speed of a crashing drone.
After I quit seeing stars and regained my composure, I was alerted to the fact that I had a steady stream of blood running down my forehead. I have no idea how many folks are hospitalized each year by these cloth covered falling “mortarboards” but since I’m unable to find solid statistical data on it, I’m assuming it’s probably in the thousands, or maybe even hundreds of thousands of people annually.
I received 20 stitches and a bill from the hospital for thousands of dollars. Later, I found out there’s a such thing as graduation insurance, which covers such adverse events at a seemingly harmless ceremony.
Perhaps I’ll look into getting Uninsured Graduate coverage included with my policy should I ever decide to go to another graduation ceremony and not wear a football helmet for my own safety.
Perhaps better uses for these hats after someone has flung the tassel to the left side would be to use them as collection basins and pass them around for some extra spending money for things like college or future parties.
I used my son’s grad cap years ago as a dip dish at an event. It worked well but several party-goers complained of finding hairs in the onion dip. I should have just vacuumed it out first.
I know someone who painted their cap glow-in-the-dark and put a model helicopter rotor on top. When he graduated from college and tossed his cap up, it flew higher than anyone else’s – in fact, it just kept going.
That night it ended up on the national news, as groups of people thought it was a UFO. They all sent photos to the news station, which was hilarious because we knew what it really was. It was eventually shot down, but no one was hurt.
Someone made a squirrel swing out of their cap by putting the flat side up and attaching cord to each side then hanging it from a branch. Sure, why not give the corn- and birdseed-stealing creatures one more reason to come to your yard?
At that point, just go ahead and attach a small umbrella to the swing and place a large bowl of water nearby. Be sure to put a few small lounge pillows near the pool.
I’m not against graduation caps. All I’m saying is perhaps it would be nice to leave the ceremony without bleeding from a square dart lodged in the back of my head. The only graduation gift that kid will be getting from me is a medical bill – providing I can locate him or her.
Hats off to those graduates everywhere – and congratulations.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.