I’ve been to a lot of parties in my lifetime, with July 4 being my favorite of all the festivities. However, along with all the fun and entertainment, I’ve learned a lot about what not to do at these events and their parades.
July 4 is amazing. It’s like looking at a kaleidoscope but without having to strain to see all the colors through some tiny hole. The food is usually free and parades are a great way to “scarf-up” some free candy.
Keep in mind one should never let their guard down anywhere there’s a large gathering. Statistically, there’s usually a dope or two running around that ruin it for the rest of us.
For starters, friends don’t let friends launch fireworks of any kind off of their bodies or from their orifices. My friend works in an emergency room, and you can’t imagine the horrors they see during the Fourth of July holiday – I can, cause she tells me.
Just remember that many fireworks are illegal even if you can purchase them. It may not be worth sitting in a jail cell next to a murderer just because you wanted to see some pretty colors spewing from a Coke bottle on your front porch.
Don’t walk or run too close to floats in nighttime parades, as the driver has a lot of extra distractions and may mistake you for a speed bump he or she didn’t notice before. They can’t really stop, either, without backing up the rest of the flowing parade, so if you fall you’re on your own.
Sparklers are not harmless; good Lord, it’s like giving your kid an arching wire to hold, and if your hair has been recently processed you may just end up looking like a human match stick before the festivities are over. But hey, it’s all in good fun, huh – geez.
Be sure to keep an eye on your little humans, in the hundreds of people that show up for these events there’s got to be at least one or two with ill intent.
Watch where you set off your (most likely illegal) fireworks. My friend’s former coach decided he’d light up and toss a few M-80s he’d been hanging on to. He did so in a field he thought was vacant and unused. He ended up setting off a chain reaction that was actually pretty exciting from what I understand. Prior to the cops reading him his rights, they pointed to a posted sign that he apparently didn’t see. It read, “GOVERNMENT BLASTING SITE – KEEP AWAY!”
My uncle Vinny went camping a couple of years ago and found what he thought were some abandoned fireworks. After lighting them in his front yard last year, he then realized it was too late to undo the damage he’d caused.
The blast took out a commercial building across the street, two cars, an unmanned hot dog stand and a park fountain, for cryin’ out loud. Part of the “fireworks” evidence found at the scene was labeled: Property of the U.S. Government.
Federal agents were not happy, and uncle Vinny did “some time” in lockup. He’s still doing community service. How my dopey uncle ever managed to swing from the branches of my family tree, I’ll never know.
I’m not trying to rain on anyone’s Fourth of July fun, but some folks just don’t think about the tears that can follow their initial laughter – if you know what I mean.
In fact, I need to return a bag of unused fireworks uncle Vinny gave my husband yesterday for next year’s party. I just can’t get past the governmental markings on the side of those “fun in the tubes” party poopers ...
Hope your holiday festivities were safe – and without a court date.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.