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Sadly, Christmas is over, and once again it’s time to think about the recipients of my unwanted gifts.
I do not know what you got for Jesus’ birthday this year, but I received several items I must now re-gift or sell. If folks really took the time to get to know what someone in their life likes, there would be far less unused gifts in the world.
I received a tall pepper grinder, which at first I thought was a nutcracker without arms. Once fully unwrapped, I imagined, since I don’t really use pepper, that I could use it as a weapon on a late-night intruder into my home.
Since I enjoy weapons and books on serial killers, had the gift-giver taken the time to know that about me, perhaps I would have received a new firearm or at least a sticky rat tray-style welcome mat to keep an intruder out all together. I also got a coffee mug, for cryin’ out loud. The average person has 10-15 mugs in their kitchen cabinet already, so how many more do I need? I can only drink one cup of coffee at a time, for Pete’s sake.
My dopey uncle gave me a blender and a set of dishtowels; I gave him two black eyes and an ice pack.
Not even Santa gave me something I wanted this year; in fact, the jolly man gave me a six-month subscription to a gym that includes a healthy diet plan. If Santa really knew me, he would have just filled my stocking with Cheetos and given me a subscription to Star magazine.
A friend of mine sent me a weighted blanket. Good Lord, if I wanted to be covered in what felt like sand bags, I would have gone to the beach and had someone bury me up to my neck in wet sand. I couldn’t get out from under it quick enough to go to the bathroom in time. I shutter to think what the postage on that thing cost.
People need to listen to each other and get to really know one another before giving gifts. I dropped numerous gift clues throughout the year, so I would have thought someone would have picked up on my subtle hints.
When I mentioned to my husband that I could really use a massage, he bought me a couple of tennis balls for my back and suggested I lay on the floor when I use them. He loves cheese – perhaps next Christmas, I’ll buy him a small goat.
I am going to start a support group for folks who have been victimized by this kind of careless, last-minute shopping. I feel that there are many others out there who feel the same way I do. At the end of my six-month course, each attendee will have someone in the group to purchase a gift for. This will allow me to monitor their progress.
I miss the days of my youth. They say money is not a proper gift, but I beg to differ. I long for the days of opening a card and watching a check float to the ground. That’s a well thought-out Christmas gift.
Useless gift recipient classes, forming soon ...
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.