Dreaming about even bigger lips ...
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I received a call two weeks ago from a friend who was very upset. Apparently, she woke up one day and decided her lips needed to be 10 times their original size.
Now I understand needing cosmetic surgery if you were in a fight that left your nose on the side of your face. What I don’t understand is getting it because society or some dopey fashion magazine makes you feel bad about yourself. If I altered myself every time I looked into a mirror and wasn’t stunning, I’d look like a Picasso painting by now, for cryin’ out loud.
My friend’s lips were so swollen she could have been in the Macy’s Parade as a flying float.
Listen, once you start with elective cosmetic surgery you can’t really stop. It’s like getting new carpet, then having to replace the drapes.
My third cousin had fat taken from her fanny, then injected into her lips and cheeks. Geeze, why would you want fanny fat in your face? That gives a whole new meaning to the word “buttface.”
Botched jobs are common, and putting fat anywhere other than where it already is can leave you with the appearance of bubble wrap.
No one really needs booty implants because we all have butts already or we’d be sitting on our ribcages. Just work those glute muscles out in a gym. It’s a lot cheaper and safer.
As for “water balloons,” I prefer dropping them off a fifth-floor balcony. I hear the surgical ones have to be replaced every 5-10 years. Good lord, I’d rather replace my wardrobe. I can replace shoes and clothing without any side effects, unless my husband finds out.
Women aren’t the only ones running to doctor’s offices for a revised look. Men do it as well. I have a few male friends who’ve had their noses and chins sculptured. When my son suggested he get his cheeks sculptured, I let him know I’d be happy to run a chisel over his face.
Also popular – eye reshaping. The shape of our eyes is largely based on ethnicity. How else would we shape them?
I believe everyone is perfect just the way they were created. However, I can see changing eye shape if you are in the witness protection program, but that’s about it.
If you are changing your looks on the government’s dime, be sure to read the small print in your packet first. There’s nothing written in there, to my knowledge, that states you’ll receive the eyes you desire. I think you basically get what the government gives you.
Last week, I ran into an old friend I haven’t seen since elementary school. I almost didn’t recognise her as she had false eyelashes, dyed hair, plumped up lips and pressed-on nails (I think her toenails were pressed-on, too). Her teeth were so white I thought Jesus walked by. I think she got collagen put into her ear lobes, too, because they were huge. She used to be so cute when we were in the third grade.
Well, to each his or her own, just be sure if you decide to modify your looks you go with a reputable doctor and not just anyone wearing a white shirt.
A friend of mine received cosmetic surgery from someone she thought was a doctor. The fact that he had no certificate, worked out of his garage and offered her 90 percent off if she got the surgery, was kind of a red flag. She no longer looks like her driver’s license photo ...
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.