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Individuals and family systems are complex. We understand that no one person fits one category perfectly. These categories are interchangeable given the age, sex dysfunctions within the home or one child leaving the home; everything has been shown to play a role in these family dynamics.
The most important takeaway is a family that deals with the ugly secret of addiction is impacted by the addiction; all family members living with addiction adopt certain coping strategies to deal with the stress of living with an addict and many of these coping strategies have lasting negative effects. These family dynamics persist even when the addict gets sober, dies or leaves the family, and they are passed down generationally through modeling and family dynamics.
Most people would not expect a scholastic star, who may be president of various clubs or maybe the captain of the football team, to come from an alcoholic home, thus the façade is in play. All responsible mature positions. How could this child be a prisoner in their own home and body? This is the child who is seven going on 35. In many cases, this child plays a parental role at a very young age becoming very responsible and self-sufficient. This is the good child, the family hero, giving the family self-worth because it makes the family look good to outsiders. The parents feel a sense of self-worth because this child proves they were good parents. They are the good students, the sports stars, the prom queens.
Unfortunately, if a child fills the hero role they never benefit from praise or feelings of worthiness as they grow into adulthood. They are seen as controlling and very judgmental of others, and worst of all they are extremely judgmental of themselves. Although they are very successful and receive positive attention, they are cut off from their own emotions. They are cut off from themselves, driven and compulsive as adults all the time feeling inadequate and insecure.
They do whatever they need to stay safe in an environment that cannot ensure a sense of safety. They learn something else as each child does in their dysfunctional way of living, to survive and to thrive with the crises surrounding them. They need a constant challenge to prove to the world and themselves that they are necessary and alive.
A healthy person is flexible. They give and receive; they do some things well and some things not so well. The hero, like many great actors, only flourishes while they are on stage and sinks into depression when the accolades come to an end. They are human doings – not human beings. They are addicted to fixing, stuck in the role that gives them a sense of control, sense of safety, of being necessary to the family and they carry that role in their own family, their workplace and their community. Untreated, they carry it to the grave.
Sadly, growing up out of touch with their feeling or knowing how to have their needs met. Hard to imagine since they are the ones everyone needs. They are dependent on being needed, stuck in a role that helped them survive as children – but has now become a prison.
If you know someone like this or if this sounds familiar, there is help. It’s never too late.
Visit the website adultchildren.org.
Dr. Herb Clark of Murphy is an expert in the field of addiction with 33 years of experience. He served on the N.C. Professional Practice board, adjunct professor for two universities and was a U.S. Marine serving 25 years, through two wars and three conflicts traveling the world, seeing the effects of addiction firsthand worldwide. Send questions or comments to him at hypno321@hotmail.com.