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I would like to start my annual Christmas letter off by wishing my family and friends a wonderful holiday season. I hope this letter finds everyone healthy and doing well.
Our new year, 2022, really did start off with a bang. A firecracker mishap on New Year’s Eve resulted in several bloody washcloths and a call to 911 for an ambulance that we ended up canceling after realizing the two-mile journey would cost more than $800. Luckily, things heal. The lacerations closed up on their own, and aside from nasty scars and some nerve damage, things are looking good. I do miss my fingertips, though. January was a rough month.
With high hopes that the following months of this year would be better, we looked forward to a few of our yearly goals, including accomplishing some New Year’s resolutions.
I decided to better myself by utilizing some magazine tips as opposed to surgery, for a more youthful appearance. I started out by placing tea bags over my eyes to reduce puffiness. That experience failed to produce the expected results and instead had me running to the emergency clinic with second-degree burns on
my eyes and cheeks. For several weeks, I sported around redness, swelling and blisters where once lay just a few fine lines and some morning puffiness. It’s good to be alive – a word of warning to other ladies to first let the tea bags cool off before placing them on your eyes.
We took a much-needed family vacation this year. We decided to visit an amusement park out of the state, so we stayed at a motel along our route. Now I know why folks can’t wait to be back in their own beds. What I thought was a flair-up of my restless leg syndrome turned out to be a herd of bedbugs migrating across my body. Motel management did offer us a can of bug spray and a free night for the inconvenience, but failed to reimburse us for the original $25 they charge per night to stay there.
Earlier this year, a firearms mishap in our yard cost us a side mirror on our truck, a squirrel that was on a bird feeder and a neighbor’s window. That was an expensive day. Uncle Vinny is never allowed to come over for target practice again. That dope is such a liability.
In June this year, a deer failed to look both ways before it crossed the road and made our vehicle the lucky recipient of its DNA. The car needed some repairs after the incident, but we did eat well for the next month or so. My husband put its rack above the fireplace – I’m not sure that counts as hunting, but he said nobody will know.
The following month I decided to lose a few pounds, so I started running on the treadmill again. I fell asleep while it was inclined at 6 out of 10 and at a pretty decent speed. Not only did I fall down, but I rolled down the incline and into the wall behind me. We had quite a nasty hole to fix in the drywall.
We had to spend $1,200 to have the dog’s stomach pumped because he was sick, only to find out the contents were squirrel. I think he swallowed it whole. That money was our Christmas shopping budget. We should have just waited for him to “pass” the furry-tailed varmint, after which it would have probably just scurried off.
In November, my husband caught the front door of our house on fire after he placed the turkey fryer inches from the door and then dropped a turkey that was ever so partially frozen into the fryer, and just a few days ago some dork stole Christmas gifts right out of our vehicle. I sure hope the underwear the perpetrator grabbed will fit, but I doubt it since they were for an American Girl doll I bought for my niece.
I hope everyone had their own wonderful year, but if not no worries; there’s another one coming up – yay!
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.