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The other day, my son informed me that his teacher is going to allow each student to bring in something different, strange or uncommon for show and tell. I was busy mopping the kitchen floor at the time, so I simply nodded and said that’s great.
With details unbeknown to me, my son arranged for my Uncle Vinny to accompany him in class on the day of show and tell.
Of the hundreds of different things in his room alone, my son chose to bring that walking insurance nightmare of a living creature to his classroom. Of course, my uncle was happy because it got him out of work for the day.
When it was time for the kids to display their items for the class, my son held my uncle’s hand and proudly walked up to the front, where 30 students and one supervisor watched in wonderment. I waited in my vehicle in the parking lot across the street hoping I wouldn’t see cops arriving on the scene, as they so often have in other situations involving my uncle.
According to my son after the fact, Uncle Vinny was a hit, at least with students.
Apparently, he took his shirt off and showed the students his large arm, shoulder and side tattoo of an alligator. If that wasn’t entertaining enough, he lifted his half-bent arm up, which made it look as though the gator was opening its mouth, then slammed his pit shut, making it look like the alligator was closing its mouth. He did it repeatedly.
After that stunning example of human etiquette, he proceeded to do a magic trick, which resulted in the disappearance of the teacher’s watch from her wrist. Thank God he was able to bring back the generationally passed down antique watch that belonged to her great-great-grandmother.
As the children clapped and yelled for more, the teacher silently brought in extra security. I couldn’t help but wonder why my son couldn’t have just brought in his frog with the missing toe or the pet lizard he painted with my glow-in-the-dark nail polish, while it was sleeping.
Nevertheless, my son proceeded to boast about his living show and tell specimen and asked his great uncle to continue entertaining his classmates.
With great caution, the teacher looked on as my uncle proceeded to show the students a slingshot he made out of the elastic waistband of an old pair of under-britches.
I couldn’t help but wonder what I had done in my lifetime to have ended up where I was at that moment in time. I was reasonably sure that I could kiss my position within the school’s PTA goodbye.
Toward the end of the show and tell, my uncle stated he had one more thing to show the kids and briefly exited the room.
Ten minutes later, he roared through the hallways on a Harley-Davidson motorcycle with illegally modified pipes. The sound was so loud it prompted officials to lock down the school and call the cops. News stations also showed up, including a helicopter that hovered above the school.
Apparently, he wanted to show the students his newly painted gas tank of an alligator with its mouth wide open. He also thought the kids would enjoy hearing the sounds of his new exhaust pipes.
When all was said and done, my uncle went to jail, my son was excused for the remainder of the day and I was asked to leave the PTA. The school also eliminated show and tell activities from the curriculum, indefinitely.
Anngee Quinones-Belian of Murphy is a staff correspondent for the Cherokee Scout. Her humor column runs every other week. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.