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Christmas is officially behind us, and with the beginning of the new year, many people look toward starting afresh.
Some folks take this new opportunity to write a list of New Year’s Resolutions. We plan on setting goals for ourselves, such as limiting bad habits or behaviors, and focusing on bettering ourselves in a variety of different ways.
I, however, am past all that hogwash. I will not be setting any goals for myself this year; in fact, quite the contrary. I plan on embracing the person I am and indulging in all of my shortcomings.
In late December, I
wrote out a personal New Year’s Resolution list with the desired changes I’d
like to make. Last week,
and with no burn ban in place, I set that list ablaze like the bra burnings of the 1960s.
I was planning on eating healthier but decided against it one night while binge-watching a holiday horror series. Nobody can watch that stuff snacking on celery and rice cakes, for cryin’ out loud. Since horror movies create the need to feel safe and food is comforting, I’ll just continue binge-snacking on my Cheetos.
I also wanted to be more efficient and manage my time better in the new year, as well as to start exercising. After thinking about it, I decided not to exercise because that would not be a wise use of my time since I’m not going to stop my binge-snacking while movie watching. I may not be getting in shape, but at least I’m starting to manage my time better.
I put on my resolutions list to get more restful sleep in the new year. I don’t sleep well. Perhaps it’s all the scary movies I watch. Instead of trying to get better sleep, I’ll just hone my survival skills instead.
When I awake in the wee hours from dreaming about being chased through the woods by a crazy person with a screwdriver, I’ll use that time to scan the room, grab “Willy” (my 9mm heater with a 50-round barrel drum) and peruse the house. This will keep me on my toes and improve my reactionary skills. No one should be sleeping during a threat anyway.
With the new year, I thought I’d try and eliminate irritating people from my life. Since even the sharpest chainsaw can’t cut that Uncle Vinny branch free from our family tree, I’ll just have to accept that most families have at least one Flintstone Schleprock lurking around in their familial circle.
Since my accountant
husband can’t seem to keep me outta gun shops, thrift stores or Dollar Trees – because I love stuff and defending it all – I’ll just continue shopping and give up my resolution to better budget our finances. A dollar here and a dollar there isn’t that bad if you don’t add up those expenditures totaling $8,643 at the end of the year. He’s gotta stop doing that.
I’m also giving up the idea of decluttering since I love stuff. However, if I can offload my uncle onto someone else, that will at least eliminate 185 pounds of hairy mass for myself. My aunt says she sends him out regularly for her cigarettes, but he just keeps coming back.
The final goal I set for myself that I have no intentions of achieving is to improve my active listening skills or lack of. I thought I’d read a book on the subject but since I don’t have any active memorization skills, that would not be a good use of my time.
By embracing my deficits rather than trying to reach a bunch of New Year’s Resolutions, I feel a sense of freedom.
Anngee Quinones-Belian of Murphy is a staff correspondent for the Cherokee Scout. Her humor column runs every other week. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.