Anngee Quinines-Belian
Now that I've been going through menopause, I've decided to make life easier for myself regardless of what other people may think.
While menopause can cause men to purchase a new sports car and unbutton their shirts, for women, it's a whole different ball game.
I'm tired of forgetting where I put my 1300.0 reading glasses, car keys and tissues because I can't remember what I did 10 moody minutes ago. I'm also tired of carrying around the extra weight that jumped on top of me when I hit my 50s. All are symptoms of female menopause.
As a result, I will no longer be lugging around my 206-pound purse. Half the stuff in my bag is for others, in case they forgot to bring something.
From now on I'll be wearing a fishing vest under another fishing vest and pants with lots of pockets. These clothing options with numerous pockets will allow me to carry everything I want all at once without forgetting anything.
I apologize in advance to any officers running the magnetometer at the courthouse and TSA agents at the airport who need to check people through security. They'll just have to add an extra hour or two to the time folks need when arriving at these locations when I'm coming through.
Since I'm too tired to work full-time anymore, I'll be making supplemental income on the side. I figure my hot flashes send out enough radiant heat to keep folks warm in the winter, so anyone who wants to stand within a foot of me to keep warm will need to toss a few bucks my way.
Yes I'm moody, but I have been dealing with these symptoms for several years now so I reserve the right to be cranky once in a while.
There are two types of people in the world; those who murder and those who do not. I'm one of the latter, so just let me vent from time to time because menopause makes it real easy to switch over to the first group of people.
When I laugh and then need to run to the restroom quickly, don't ask other people in the room if I'm okay. Of course I'm OK or I wouldn't be returning to the party.
If I forget your name, humor me and live in my world for a few minutes, it'll pass. If it doesn't you'll just be a new friend in my circle. Considerate it a fresh start as I also wouldn't remember any of the crap you've ever done to upset me. You'll have a clean slate, take advantage of those moments.
My husband sewed several long water socks together like a raft that I sleep on each night. Night sweats occur often but at least his sweat-raft keeps me from drowning. He also keeps a fire extinguisher handy just in case I self-combust and yes, that's a real thing.
My hair is thinning, my skin is dryer and I'm dealing with brain fog. Often I'm seconds from ripping someone's face off like an angry adult male chimp, so be nice.
Sometimes the scariest people in the world are menopausal women so when you see one coming run, save yourself. They're like Tasmanian she devils; tread lighty.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Ranger. Her humor column is published every other week. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com or leave a message at 828-837-5122.