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So I needed to fly to Florida a couple of weeks ago for personal reasons. Since I don’t like flying alone, and because my Uncle Vinny had to go to court within the time frame I’d be there, we decided to take the flight together. Never, ever again.
The nightmare trip started at airport security, when Uncle Vinny was flagged for something in his luggage. After detaining him and rifling through his belongings, they found a sausage that resembled a stretch of pipe. Uncle Vinny explained it was for a dinner while in Florida. Needless to say, the bomb-sniffing dogs were unsettling.
We almost missed our flight due to his repacking of clothing and whatnots, as well as his intense need to grab a Starbucks coffee before boarding. The last time I ran that fast was to get away from a thief wanting my purse.
Shortly after takeoff, he saw an old friend of his who was also on the flight. He yelled, “Hi Jack,” to his buddy several times before realizing the guy just looked like his old pal.
At the time, my uncle was wearing a T-shirt that read, “Bomb diffuser – If you see me running fast ya better keep up.” It took the flight crew 45 minutes to calm down all the passengers and get them reseated. It was like having 130 people running around inside of a closet.
The pilot and crew labeled Uncle Vinny as a problem passenger and relocated him closer to the watchful eyes of staff.
I gave him my credit card to order both of us a soda and chips while I used the restroom. The receipt showed he ordered two Cokes, two bags of chips, three sandwiches, an energy drink, peanuts and a fishing magazine. The bill came to $411.50 for a two-hour flight. I wrote a note to myself reminding me to kill him later.
As if all that wasn’t bad enough, he profiled another passenger, saying the guy was acting suspicious. The guy was playing a cops and robbers video game and some of the words included, “Take them all down.”
As the plane began flying over the ocean, my uncle decided to pull out and inflate his seat’s life jacket, saying he wanted to be prepared ahead of time and not have to worry about what to do in an emergency.
I would rather have head lice and stub all 10 toes without receiving any medical attention than to ever fly with that dope again. I’m actually glad the staff moved his seat elsewhere; at least people won’t think we’re together.
Things were better for a while when he took a nap. His snoring merging into the sounds of the air turbulence was somewhat horrifying and comforting all at the same time.
After the plane landed, we headed over to get his luggage off the carousel. He just missed it as we were approaching, but because he’s so impatient he jumped on the belt and crawled toward it. I was sick and tired of seeing security approach us, so I just ran.
Needless to say, I changed my flight so I would not have to see him on the return trip. I wouldn’t ride a bicycle with him if someone gave me $1,000 tax-free cash.
Unfortunately, my uncle is like the raccoon that someone relocates elsewhere,but the wiry thing finds its way back home. I just thank God everyday that I’m not my aunt.
Anngee Quinones-Belian of Murphy is a staff correspondent for the Cherokee Scout. Her humor column runs every other week. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.