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A few weeks ago, I was enjoying an outdoor event filled with arts and crafts as well as some wonderful food. About an hour in to my peaceful outing, I was struck by the urge “to go.”
Actually, I was surprised it took a whole hour as these days thanks to “minutepause,” it seems I need a restroom just about every minute.
Since none of the nearby stores seemed to have restroom facilities (hmm, I wonder where they go?), I was forced to use one of several portable thrones available to the event-goers.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that they exist, it beats wetting yourself in public, but these things are not designed for women.
For starters, there’s no mirror. And after leaning forward with my head rubbing on the door the whole visit because there was no room for my head anywhere else, I needed a mirror to fix my hair.
I believe the only women who could be comfortable contorting themselves the way we sometimes have to so we don’t touch anything gross are those who work with Cirque du Soleil.
Listen, if I have to smell a cake, I’d like it to be a chocolate cake not a urinal cake.
All I’m sayin’ is perhaps they should extend the walls out a little bit so that thing isn’t staring right at me.
Why is there even a urinal in a portable stop-n-go? Technically, there’s no need for one.
And is it too much to ask that they install an air freshener from time to time? It’s like being trapped in a cat hoarder’s closet, with all the felines closing in on me.
Whenever I must use one, I first take off my cell phone, glasses, jewelry and any other loose items. I also leave any small children with me outside for fear of dropping any of it in the dark abyss, never to be seen again.
What would one do if they dropped a wallet carrying a hundred bucks and a family photo into the holding pool of death below?
I usually have to go see my chiropractor after using a portable toilet as a result of twisting myself into unimaginable positions just so I don’t rub up on anything.
Another uncomfortable thought is the fact that you’re half naked in a very public place, protected by a slide lock even a dumb squirrel could open. Where’s the protection in that?
Oh, and every person who used it, if there was no place to wash their hands, is now touching the stuff you may want to purchase and display in your home.
I feel really bad for mothers with babies. Where do they lay the kid to change their diaper?
I never see a cleaning crew waiting outside for someone to come out so they can go in and clean.
I once had to use a porta camode at a large event. There were 12-15 of them side by side resembling a row of jail cells. As I walked past each one of them looking for a vacancy, I would hear people inside chanting, “Hey baby ...”
Good Lord, I was terrified.
My brother’s friend once forgot to slide the dopey lock and had someone open the door on him. They still can’t figure out if all the nearby applause was because of him or because the band just finished their set.
As much as I don’t enjoy using these emergency bathrooms, I’m very aware of their importance.
I’m just saying that they could use a few extra touches for a better experience. Hmmm ... perhaps a heated toilet seat and a vase of pretty flowers would be a good start.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.