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As Father’s Day approaches, I am both grateful and terrified all at the same time. I’m grateful for my son’s father, yet afraid to leave the boy in his dad’s care. Fathers just seem to babysit differently than mothers do.
I had a meeting to attend, so I instructed his father to get our son off to school. The school called later that day, stating that my son was still eating his lunch an hour after all the other students had returned to their classes. Apparently, he was still trying to choke down the beef jerky sandwich his dad made him.
All our son had to drink was buttermilk from his Thermos because his dad somehow didn’t see the word “butter” before milk on the darn carton. The boy barfed, and no wonder – but guess who had to stop what they were doing and go pick him up from school?
My brother, the dope that he is, put my niece’s hair in a ponytail for school but used a Zip-Tie to bind the ponytail. The long plastic piece from the Zip-Tie stuck out about 7 inches poking another student in the eye. That student required medical attention and an eye patch as a result, for cryin’ out loud.
I know a dad who hated changing diapers so much that he undressed his toddler and made a playpen, including toys, in the tub so all he had to do was hose the baby off from time to time.
Another father I know used a bungee cord to attach his kid’s ankle to his own ankle so the baby wouldn’t wander off too far while dad took a nap.
Yet another father used a Sharpie to draw a full beard, mustache and scar on his kid’s face while he slept so dad could post the photo on Facebook. It did get a lot of “likes,” however; and I hit the like button, too.
One dad I know from a play-group took his toddler on a bike ride, putting the baby behind him in the infant seat. However, dad’s pants were a little too low and he exposed the tot to “butt-crack” long before junior needed to see that festive side of life.
My own father once watched my brother and I when mom went off to work. He filled the bed of his truck with water so we could go swimming. Later, he had to run an errand, but let us continue swimming in the back.
That was a joyous day – not only for my mom, but for the cops who called her to the scene. It seems dad came to a quick stop before an intersection, causing all the water in the bed to rush forward toward the front of the vehicle, also known as “water-bashing.” As a result, my brother bounced out and landed in the middle of the intersection with the light turning green.
Then there’s the time my son’s father used a plunger on his stomach while he was laying on the floor. He wanted to see how much weight the darn thing could hold.
I was so mad when I got home that I used the hose on our Dyson vacuum cleaner – known for its suction strength – to suck up the antique coin collection his great-grandfather had left him. Oops. It sucked up about $5,000 in change in 8 seconds – which is actually a little more impressive than staying on a bull that long.
We couldn’t have children without dads; however, it’s possible that society has also lost a few children along the way as a result.
Most dads understand the concept of taking care of little ones in their care, but a few may actually need a sitter themselves – or perhaps it’s just that I’m in the wrong circle of folks.
Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there even those who have been forbidden from watching their own children.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.