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I love “people watching.”
I’ve studied folks do everything from sneaking into movie theaters through the back door to dropping Mentos candy into a glass of Coke. I am most confused by wine drinkers, as I do not drink.
For starters, I don’t understand pouring a beverage into a glass roughly the size of a fish bowl. My cereal bowls aren’t even as large as some of those wine glasses, for Pete’s sake. Perhaps it’s to eliminate having to get up for refills.
I’ve noticed my aunt smelling her wine. If someone thinks their drink is bad, then why drink it? To her credit, I smell stuff from my refrigerator daily, usually tossing it out, so I’ll let her slide on her sniff test.
Wine drinkers talk about pairing their beverage with food.
My favorite beverage is soda. Have I been pairing it wrong, as I drink it with everything. What pairs well with Dr. Pepper?
I’ve noticed that people drinking wine don’t snack on Cheetos. I won’t drink anything if I can’t have a bag of the cheesy morsels by my side.
I once broke a Plexiglass trinket box by hitting it on the corner of a table, so how do wine drinkers bang thin glasses together in a toast without a huge mess, and serious hand and wrist lacerations?
Now, not for nothin’, I have a real problem when others mess with anything I eat or drink, so I can’t even imagine anyone’s gnarly feet stepping all over my fruit. Why not simply toss the wine grapes into a blender, for cryin’ out loud? That feet-smashing thing is just unsanitary.
I read somewhere that when you drink wine you should hold the glass by the stem, which actually looks like you’re clutching a fistfull of change. Well, at least you’d be ready should you need to defend yourself against being accosted while enjoying your glass of wine. I’ve seen it done in a bar fight, but it’s usually done with a beer bottle.
Apparently the oldest bottle of wine is around 1,700 years old. I can’t help but wonder what would happen to the person who casually pops the cork without that knowledge – oops!
Young wine is said to have an aroma, mature wine a bouquet – leaving me to wonder if old wine, like my grandfather, smells somewhat gassy.
Why do wine connoisseurs swish the beverage around in their mouths, then spit? If I did that with soda, my cheeks would explode from the carbonation.
Besides, spitting’s not nice – it’s also a misdemeanor offense if done on a public street.
In Roman times, a husband could kill his wife if she was found drinking wine, as it was illegal for women to do so back then.
I’ll bet that’s where the fear of wine, also known as Oenophobia, came from. I believe a more appropriate fear in that situation would be husbandphobia.
As I understand it, wine offers several health benefits and boosts oxygen to the blood and brain. Holy cow, as soon as I get home we’re pulling grampa off his oxygen and supplying him with a few bottles of wine.
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.