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I have been to enough Thanksgiving day dinners to know that there are always problems that could have been prevented. Perhaps the reason I’m aware of the potential problems is due to the fact there are morons in my family tree.
For starters, who deep fries a whole turkey just outside the front door, for cryin’ out loud? Whatever happened to traditional baking? The “deep frying a turkey” leaflet is one of the instruction sheets folks should probably read. It’s right up there with how to assemble a baby crib and what to do if your toilet overflows.
If you want Santa to have a roof to land on at your house for Christmas, do not let a slippery frozen turkey drop into a vat of hot oil, for Pete’ sake, then think you were prepared for anything because you had a garden hose nearby. This is what my dopey uncle did.
How does the “gene-pool” go so wrong, I keep asking myself.
If you’re going to set a dessert on fire, then walk to the dining room with it, make sure you don’t trip right next to the plastic-covered couch like my friend did. Well, at least the plastic-laiden recliner made it through the fire.
Too many cooks in the kitchen is another problem at Thanksgiving. It’s like watching a bunch of hamsters in a tube pass each other without bumping into one another. Maybe that’s why sometimes there’s mashed potatoes in the turkey instead of stuffing – at least at my house.
There is enough public awareness out there to know you shouldn’t drink and fry. If you’re going to get drunk and cook anything, just go ahead and call the fire department out before you start, that way they can already be on the scene before your kitchen explodes.
Don’t think that just because something is frozen that it will last forever. If you’re cooking food you’ve had in the back of your freezer since some of your more distant ancestors were still alive, expect to spend at least part of your Thanksgiving barfing while someone holds your hair back for you.
It doesn’t matter which teams are playing football or how hungry you are if you never make it to Thanksgiving dinner at grandma’s house because either your car has gone off a cliff or you’re sitting in jail for speeding.
What’s the rush for anyway? Last year you said family drives you crazy, and next year you’ll just go out to Denny’s for dinner.
Be aware of food allergies at Thanksgiving. A few years ago, we were enjoying a relatively nice dinner when uncle Herman’s throat closed up. Apparently, the “stuffing cooker” forgot he was allergic to walnuts and loaded it up with the “allergen.” Herman lived, but he no longer eats with us.
Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to share memories and blessings with others. Be careful however, or your memories and thankfulness will be for things that could have been prevented.
I’m thankful this year for the fact we no longer put plastic over furniture and that we were able to find an extinguisher-size can of Epinephrine to cover all the “nuts” we may incur at future dinners.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.