Sometimes AI rivals my Uncle Vinny in stupidity

I am terrified at the prospect of artificial intelligence soon taking over almost every aspect of our lives.

Just the other day, I read an article about one of those cars that basically drives you around like some kind of fake chauffeur or something. It crashed and burned. Perhaps the motherboard fell asleep at the wheel.

My son recently purchased one of those 4,000-plus pounds of metal, stereo and “death waiting to happen” on wheels.

I’m all for advancements with products and technology, but not when it is driving me around town without a valid driver’s license. I’d much rather have a self-cleaning, automatic seat-dropping toilet.

You just can’t trust technology completely, just look at how often speech to text features on phones make us appear as though we’ve never had a formal education. Shame on whoever’s typing that message behind the scenes. I’ve lost a couple of friends over texts that AI typed for me.

My “Perplexa” device, which is supposed to answer my questions correctly and on command, gives me inaccurate information or simply can’t answer the question and redirects me somewhere else, oftentimes leaving me perplexed. I asked if she ever talks to herself, but she told me she couldn’t find that information. Then I asked her who would win the election, and she said she didn’t know. I’d be better off shaking my Magic 8 Ball for answers.

My home’s intelligent thermostat went haywire recently while I was talking to my husband about hell in the Bible. Apparently the thermostat thought I wanted the temperature set to hell degrees and started heating up the entire house. The temperature rose to about 112 degrees rapidly, and continued rising before I realized what happened and stopped it.

Life is complicated enough without technology complicating things.

Why can’t devices actually do what they’re supposed to do? Sure, a vacuum that can detect dirt and detach itself from the wall, then vacuum for you is wonderful – until it runs over a pile of puppy poo, scattering it like a crime scene. You’d think it would have a smell detector built it to prevent such things, but my neighbor said it didn’t as he was tearfully washing down his living room wall.

AI was said to have once submitted a song to the Grammys for consideration of a music award – sounds like it has something in common with Milli Vanilli.

My uncle Vinny decided to purchase one of those 3D printers. It was awesome, and I was able to make plastic jewelry, little vases and knick-knacks for gifts.

He decided to use it to make and sell Croc shoes, which is a patented product and therefore illegal to 3D print out. The alleged felon also printed out a hand gun, two credit cards and tried printing a new wife by laying a picture of Angelina Jolie on the printer.

The dope ended up getting sued, arrested and divorced all in the same day, proving that Artificial Intelligence (AI) and Real Ignorance (RI) may just be in the same boat.

However, for all the mess-ups associated with AI, sometimes it does work as in the case of AI helping a kid with his math homework by answering his questions. I may need to employ the device again just to help me figure out my checkbook.

Anngee Quinones-Belian lives in Murphy. She loves humor and believes the world needs more of it. Email her at anngeeq@gmail.com.